Yulin - Stop The Slaughter

Dogs.  I adore them. Always have and always will.  To me, dogs are angels that walk on this planet with us and accompany us on various parts of our journey through life.  Guardians, comforters, companions and endless sources of joy.  If there is one thing I can depend on in this world it is the total, absolute and unconditional love of my dog.

Miss Billie

A number of years ago as I was setting out for a new life in Hong Kong, a friend commented that I'd better keep a close eye on my dog because "dogs end up in pots" over there she said - half joking, half serious.  I dismissed her words as a joke at the time, thoroughly believing the dog-eating stories of Asia to be exaggerated tales of a practice that was dying out and still only to be found in the more remote regions.  Sadly, how wrong was I?

Social media has been a hotbed of stories in recent months regarding the dog-eating trade in Asia and attention has focused in particular on the upcoming Dog-meat "festival" in Yulin, China.  I think to call what takes place in Yulin a "festival" is a gross misuse of a word which implies something is being celebrated.  The torture and barbaric slaughter of thousands of dogs is most certainly not a celebration but a blight upon the world and an event that deserves all the international condemnation it has received in recent months.  

The Poor Unfortunate Dogs of Yulin

Those who defend it do so in the name of culture and "way of life" as if this means it is somehow excusable and shouldn't be questioned.  Whereas the local authorities have officially banned the event it is still expected to go ahead as the ban doesn't seem to extend to actually taking action to prevent the slaughter and is more of a saving face exercise than anything else. Meanwhile, the ruling proletariat in Beijing are content to sit back and do nothing.  Well that is simply not acceptable.  If customs, superstitions and the "way of life" argument were acceptable arguments for doing nothing then we'd still have gladiators fighting each other to the death, witches burning at the stake and kings, queens and emperors ruling empires.  The Chinese authorities have shown themselves well capable of tackling cruel practices before, such as foot binding, now completely eradicated throughout China but a common practice till very recently.  This was even more embedded in the Chinese psyche than dog-meat and is now gone as a result of the Communist Party banning it as a consequence of many campaigns by conscious objectors both inside and outside of China.

Thankfully, there are a growing number of animal welfare activists in China who are trying to to do something about the Yulin situation and the dog-meat trade in general.  It is thanks to them and their use of social media that the rest of the world is aware of what is going on. We can't stand with them in Yulin to physically rescue these unfortunate animals from their terrible fate but we can stand with them on facebook, twitter, and every social media site available to us and let them know we support them and their efforts.  Share the hashtag  #StopYuLin2015‬  and do one small thing for the animal we all know as man's best friend.

Chubbygirl And Big Bertha

Well the Queen's birthday saw me and my family enjoying the mid-morning sunshine out on the deck and the conversation turned to superheroes, as it inevitably does when the Dude is involved.  This morning he wanted each of us to tell him, if we could be a superhero then which superhero would we be.  The fact that he was asking was merely a formality as he had already decided who everyone should be.  La-la was Batgirl, Bid Daddy was Superman and I was......., well this is where the poor Dude hit a bit of a road-block.  You see if there is one thing all superheroes, either male or female, have in common, it's that they have rather impressive physiques and the ladies in particular are on the slender side.  The Dude looked most perplexed.

Big Daddy as Superman!

"Mummy," he said, "I don't know who you can be because there aren't any chubby superheroes."

"Oh, I replied," that's ok, "all mummies are superheroes anyway, I'll just be super-mummy."

I could tell by his face that this just would not fly.

"Nooooo," he protested, "that's not the way this works!  Mummies don't wear capes!"

So then I thought about it and thought how sad that there wasn't a superhero with at least a little bit of padding, I mean how handy would that be if you were a superhero?

Big Daddy tried to help out and searched for a curvy female superhero on google but the best he could come up with was The Vixen, who I might add has some pretty sensational curves going on but who was dismissed by the Dude as being "too sexy."

The Very Sexy Vixen

"Okay," I chirped in, "then I'll be Chubbygirl."

"Huh?" asked the Dude, whose face suggested he didn't quite like the sound of what he was hearing.

"Chubbygirl, she's a new superhero," I informed my lovely family, who were pretty much all catching flies with their mouths at this stage.

The Dude was unimpressed.

"Chubbygirl!" He exclaimed, "what the hell is her super-power?"

"Well," I started to explain, "she rolls herself up in a ball and launches herself at villains and goes really fast and knocks them out."

The Dude was impressed.

"What else?" he asked.

"She squashes things," I replied, "she's a bit like the Hulk.  He crushes things and she squashes things.  She also has some deadly ninja moves."

The Dude was liking the sound of Chubbygirl more and more.

"But what does she look like?"  he asked.

That's when Big Daddy started snorting.

"Something like this," he managed to squeeze out through snorts.

The Dude took the phone offered by Big D and looked on in horror.

"No way Mummy!  You can't be her!  She's enormous!"

It seems I can't win on the superhero front - I'm either too chubby or not chubby enough and I most certainly am not allowed to be sexy!

I took the phone and looked at what Big Daddy found so hilarious.

Big Bertha

Big Bertha - who knew?  Looks like someone beat me to the "superhero with a bit of padding" idea. All I need now is for Big Bertha to show up and sort out the husband known as Big Daddy.

What Do You Do All Day?

"Snake! Snake!" I heard over the tears and the screams, so with my heart in my mouth I headed off to the garden to see what the hell was going on.  I should state that after three years in Australia and having come across some fairly hairy and scary critters, we haven't, so far, encountered a snake.  So it was with a certain amount of resignation (as in - feck it we've finally got a snake) that I landed in the garden like the Mad Mammy on steroids.  I was literally ready to rip the scaly one apart with my bare hands.

Well, I needn't have worried.  The "snake" in question most certainly wouldn't be found on the "ten most deadly" list.  With it's bright pink and purple markings and rather furry skin, the only problem with this snake was that it is one of La-la's favourite cuddly toys and somehow it had landed in the bamboo.  La-la was beside herself and the Dude was still shouting, "snake!"  I fixed him with a laser beam death stare and told everyone to calm down.  Once the shouting and wailing had stopped I assessed the situation and decided it could be solved with those old staples the garden rake and a brush.

Snakey

I told everyone to stay calm, whilst I retired to the house to find the brush.  Five minutes later Snakey was free and everyone was happy.  I decided to grab the washing off the line whilst I was in the garden anyway and not remember it three days later (hey it happens....)  La-la was happily cuddling Snakey and the Dude was contentedly slaughtering ninjas when La-la scrunched up her nose in that nine year old girl way and announced, "eeuuuuw, what's that awful smell?  Like dog poo?"

The Ninja Warrior

"Eeeughhh," chimed in the Dude whilst grabbing his throat as if choking, in the way that seven year old boys prone to a touch of drama do, "I think I'm going to die!"

Now, I have to add here that we don't usually have an issue with land-mines in the Mad Mammy household as Miss Billie is the soul of discretion in this regard and usually does her business in the bushes.  However, with the recent monsoons she has been dashing out between the raindrops, depositing a doo-doo and dashing back to base.  We've been clearing any remaining land-mines during dry-spells but my nose was  now telling me we had obviously missed one, so I asked my minions which one of them had stepped in the poo?  They  checked each others' shoes and responded with much shrugging of shoulders and puzzled expressions.  That's when it dawned on me, the schmuck who had stood in the doo-doo was yours truly.  I looked at the bottom of my shoe and there was no doubt as to who the culprit was.  The Dude was shocked, "Mummy, it was you!" He exclaimed.

The Dude Be Like This

"Yup," I replied, just delighted at the prospect of now having to wash dog poo off my shoes.  I remembered the garden hose, so I handed the clothes to La-la and went in search of wherever the last person who had used it, had abandoned it.  Rolling it up and putting it back on its hook would have been too much like hard work, obviously.  Anyhoo, I found it in the middle of the garden and surprise, surprise it wasn't working.  I have to confess, with a million other things I had to do waiting for my attention back in the house, frustration was starting to get the better of me.  Therefore, I applied more force than was perhaps necessary to the attachment  and the next thing I knew my eyeballs were at the back of my skull, such was the explosion of water into my face from the now attachment-less hose.  I immediately dropped the thing - after all it was trying to kill me, and it proceeded to do the crazy hose dance around the garden like a snake out of its mind on cocaine.  The Dude at this stage was bug-eyed and riverdancing his way around the garden to avoid a soaking.  La-la had returned from depositing the clothes in the house and was staring wild-eyed at her mother and sibling engaged in some rather alarming jiggerypokery.  I grabbed the hose and brought the monster under control.  I washed the shoes.  I dripped into the house and was about to change my clothes when I heard:
"eeeuwww dog poo!"
"Whaaaaat?" I squealed.
"Poo, there's dog poo on the stairs," La-la exclaimed.
"Faaaaaack!"  I screeched as I abandoned all plans to dry myself off and change.

I Was Starting To Feel Like This

I had a new job to do - clean the floor before someone stepped on doo-doo and brought it through the house.  So off I went in search of the mop, bucket and bleach.  A half an hour later we had a shining floor and one slightly frazzled mammy.  Two minutes later Big Daddy arrives into the house and asks, "are you ready? We gotta be at rugby in five minutes.  What the hell have you guys been doing?"
Death stare number two sorted him.

Happy Mummy's Day

The little arms curled their way around my neck and seconds later I felt the excited puff of his breath in my ear before he plonked the mother of all kisses on my cheek.  "Happy mummy's day" he chattered excitedly into my ear as he bounced on the bed beside me.  I opened one eye to see the Dude beaming from ear to ear.  It seemed the obligatory mother's day lie-in was to be sacrificed at the altar of the Dude's excitement.  I opened both eyes and spotted La-la sitting on the other side of the bed looking on sympathetically.

The Dude has been looking forward to Mummy's Day for the past two weeks and has been reassuring me constantly that he will be doing all my jobs!  "I will be Mummy for the day," he proudly announced this morning and the first order of the day was to don one of my tops which looked like a dress on him so he was instantly in touch with his feminine side.

The second order of the day was to make a list of all the things mummy does in a day.  The Dude entered into this exercise with what can only be described as the enthusiasm of the innocent, much the same way as a new mum-to-be thinks her life is going to be the exact same post-baby except for afterwards she's just going to have her very own little bundle of love in it.

The Dude - Ready To Take On
The Mother's Day Challenge

So the Dude found a pen and a piece of paper and proceeded to write what he thought was going to be a very short list.  He very quickly realised it was going to take more than one piece of paper!

Here's the list:

Make Breakfast.  Include chocolate milk for me and La-la and don't forget the prebiotics.
Clean up after breakfast.
Empty dishwasher.
Pick up clothes off the floor.
Put on a washing machine.
Take clothes off clothes-horse.
Fold clothes
Put clothes away.
Take clothes out of washing machine.
Hang clothes.
Satisfy random demands for food.
Break up fighting.
Settle arguments.
Deal with whingeing.
Find lost items of clothing.
Put together a superhero outfit.
Trawl google for colouring pages.
Print colouring pages.
Figure out what's wrong with the printer and then print out colouring pages.
Fight zombies - try best to head off the zombie apocalypse.
Make up a game that everyone wants to play.
Deal with unwanted creepy crawlies.
Send text regarding playdate.
Find the random lost toy that must be found immediately or else the world is going to end!
Go to park.
Keep everyone alive and know where everyone is every thirty seconds.
Deal with injuries.
Clean up the sitting-room.
Go shopping.
Put the shopping away.
Pick up random crap off the floor.
Feed the dog - don't forget her medicine.
Walk the dog.
Don't forget to bring bag for the doo-doo.
Pick up the doo-doo - euuwwwww!
Put doo-doo in bin - after carrying it for a mile or two.
Find the scissors.
Say a prayer for the scissors because they have obviously followed all the other scissors into the big black hole where scissors go and are never seen again.
Figure out how you are going to do the task you needed the scissors for - without the scissors.
Clean, wash and prepare vegetables for dinner.
Cook dinner.
Set the table.
Clear the table.
Wipe the table.
Empty the dishwasher  - again!
Fill the dishwasher and put on - again!
Put rubbish out in the bin.
Do the recycling.
Get uniforms ready for school.
Find shoes.
Make sure ice packs, lunch boxes and schoolbags are ready for morning.
Do reading.
Look for a movie or T.V. programme that everyone wants to watch - deal with all objections and demands diplomatically and with respect to everyone's wishes.
Give lots of kisses and cuddles throughout the day and make sure everyone feels loved and wanted.
Get ready for bed.
Do water bottles.
Supervise bedtime routine.
Kiss and cuddle for bedtime and deal with any troubles, concerns or worries.
Sleep.

At about page two he asked if he could stop now because that was enough really.  At this stage we had only just hung up the washing!  I explained that we really needed to carry on as there were a few other things that needed to go on the list - he looked quite dismayed.  Out of kindness I decided to leave out the following: check emails for school related stuff, pay bills and oh yeah - write 1000 words and put a blog post together.

So far he has managed to clear the table and go shopping with Big Daddy.  In the dog's best interests I decided to feed her and administer her medicine.  I'm not holding out much hope for her walk.

The "I need to walk" look

Amazingly, the Dude hasn't felt the need for a colouring page so far today and has foregone his usual superhero transformation.  Also, no toys have been lost and we have not had a zombie invasion.  It's all just as well really because as the Dude himself observed, "how would you get all that mummy stuff done in ONE day!"  How indeed son, how indeed.

Pretty Soon I Think The Dude Is Going To Look Like This

Grandad and Wolverine - Who Knew!

The Dude is obsessed with anything super-hero related and when I say obsessed I mean his every waking thought is about one super-hero or another and his time is spent "in training" as he puts it, or fighting imaginary battles with super-villains.  It's very re-assuring knowing should the world ever be enslaved by some super-villain with a whole heap of nasty super-powers then the Dude is ready to take his place beside Batman, Superman, The Flash, The Green Lantern et al.

The Flash - Currently The Dude's Favourite Superhero

He has them all categorized in his head and has ratings assigned to them according to whatever their powers are, how many battles they've fought and what super-villains they have defeated, oh and there also seems to be a rather arbitrary "cool" rating.  On any given day, at any given moment I am asked, "who is your favourite super-hero?"

This question is not as straightforward as it seems! The Dude rotates the super-hero ratings and his current favourite is usually sitting in the number one spot.  Woe-be-tide you if you answer this question with a character who is not currently in the Dude's favour.  You will be asked (no - demanded) to justify your answer and you'd better have it ready!  Many's the car journey (yes, his favourite place for these interrogations) that has degenerated into a full on family row over the virtues of Batman versus Superman.  Interestingly, Superman has never been high in the Dude's ratings till this week - we are all wondering what has brought about this "road to Damascus" type conversion and are all fearful it's just a ruse till the next time he has us all trapped in the car!

The Batman v Superman Battle Is Due To Hit
The Big Screen This Year
After Being Played Out In Our Car For The Past Few Years!

Anyhoo, his current favourite is Wolverine, who also just happens to be one of The Mad Mammy's favourites (I mean come on - you gotta love Hugh Jackman in those jeans and that white vest, stretched tantalisingly across those pecs and revealing the most perfect biceps.....whoa! Okay you get the picture as to why Wolverine is one of my favourites - I must confess to having my own ratings system for super-heroes and it's very different to the Dude's!)

Hugh Jackman As The Wolverine

However, I was somewhat surprised when the Dude announced yesterday that Wolverine was a friend of Grandad's.  The Dude is prone to the odd spot of storytelling and can sometimes tip over into fantasy in the interests of keeping a good tale going but this was a stretch even for him.
"Wolverine and Grandad were friends?" I asked, "are you sure about that?"
"Oh yes," he nodded his head vigorously.

Now, I should add here that Grandad is also quite the storyteller and I wouldn't put it past him to have regaled the Dude with tales of his times with Wolverine.  So I asked the Dude, "Did Grandad Tell you that?"
"Nooooo!" He shook his head vigorously, "I saw it in the book."

Okaaaay, at this point I have to confess to having a little confusion going on and Big Daddy was looking on totally lost and I could see he was thinking, "this is what I get for marrying in to a bunch of storytellers...."  I decided to press on and see where the Dude was coming from.

"What book are you talking about?" I asked, wondering what book existed that could possibly have Grandad and Wolverine in it!

"The family book," replied the Dude.

The family book?  Okay this was getting stranger and stranger so I had to take a minute to gather my thoughts.  Big Daddy looked at me questioningly.  I looked at him, utterly bewildered at this stage and then it hit me.

"Did this book have photographs?" I asked.

The Dude jumped out of his chair in delight.  "Yes! Yes, it did!" He exclaimed.

Big Daddy looked at me as if to say, "there can't possibly really be a book with Grandad and Wolverine in it?"

I smirked, an all-knowing smirk.  "Was Grandad sitting on a couch beside Wolverine?" I asked.

"Yes," nodded the Dude, his delight, at my knowing the "book" he was talking about, evident in the smile lighting up his face.

I started to laugh and it was Big Daddy's turn to be totally bewildered.

The "book" the Dude was referring to was an old photo album he had come across in my parents' house last summer.  In it are photos of Grandad in his heyday back in the seventies, complete with luscious dark locks and the must-have seventies accessory - sideburns, just like the ones sported by our favourite X-man.  In one of the photos he is sitting on a couch with two of his side-burn sporting pals and if memory serves me correctly, one of them is a dead ringer for Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.

So there you have it, Grandad used to run with Wolverine, now it doesn't get any cooler than that, especially if you're a seven year old boy whose Grandad is just as much a hero to you as any bloke with super-powers.

Note: As I go to press the Publish button, this morning's battle has seen the elimination of twenty bad guys, one super-villain and his helicopter.  Planet Earth is a safer place this morning thanks to the heroic efforts of the Dude.  Rest easy citizens the planet's in good hands.

The Super Dude

Cinderella - The Mad Mammy's Review

Sooooooo, here we are in 2015 and Hollywood have only gone and seen fit to grace us with yet another re-incarnation of that old nugget Cinderella.  Interestingly, in a wee bit of research for this post I discovered the tale of Cinderella is a lot older than I thought.  The original story, Cendrillon, complete with pumpkin, glass slipper and godmother by French author Charles Perrault appeared in 1697.  It was then given a revamp by the brothers Grimm in 1812, their version being called Aschenputtel, which is where we get the English translation of Cinderella from and of course the story was disneyfied in 1950 with the original film.

The Original Cinderella Tale by
Charles Perrault

I can clearly recall reading the hapless heroine's tale, in my Disney fairytale compendium, as a young girl and wishing I had a fairy godmother!  How handy that would have been.  Other than that there wasn't much to envy about Cinderella's life and I often wondered how her marriage to the Prince worked out. It was much later in life through my combined studies of sociology, psychology and English that I realised the power of our childhood fairytales and how much they set us up with crazy expectations of life and form the basis of so many of our beliefs.  Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White - all rescued from their various dilemmas by a handsome prince and incidentally all victims of a wicked older female.  Even in 2015 how many women out there are still waiting for "their prince to come?"

All Too Often We Don't See The "Princes"
Under Our Noses Because They Are A Lot
Like Us!

It is for this reason I was happy enough for my daughter to have these stories as part of her collection but they were very much balanced out by more modern tales where girls are equal to boys and have a can-do attitude - thank you J.K. for Hermione Granger.

Hermione - Waits For No Prince!

It was interesting then that La-La expressed an interest in going to see the latest version of Cinderella. The Dude, on the other hand, was quite clear that hell could freeze over first before anyone was dragging him along to see it.  So, being presented with the opportunity to attend the cinema with just La-la, I took it and the two girls headed off in the Brisbane heat to the nearest cinema.

As I settled into my seat and mopped the sweat from my brow, I couldn't help wondering if the 2015 version had at least had some modern tweaks.  I had already seen the controversy over the size of Cinderella's waist with Kenneth Brannagh having to deny digital trickery in order to make Lily James look like the human equivalent of a cartoon drawing.  The omens weren't good.

And Breathe - Or Maybe Not......

The film opens with Cinderella in happier times, basking in the love and adoration of her parents and we get to see the influence of her mother, who, on her deathbed, tells Cinderella to face life with courage and kindness.  By the time the first thirty minutes have elapsed, Cinders is an orphan left in the servitude of her step-mother and step-sisters.  She would have been better served if her mother had added the words "and kick ass when you have to and don't be anybody's fool."

Cinders Would Have Been Better Off
With This Attitude

As the film progressed it became clear the 2015 version was simply a faithful remake of Disney's animated classic except with human actors.  There was to be no modern tweaking of the tale, no re-interpretation of the various roles (as with the excellent Maleficent), no depth of character past the cartoonish inspirations of the animated version.  There was to be nothing except a human re-hash of an animated film from the nineteen fifties!  And to be honest you'd wonder why.

The Poster For The Original 1950 Movie

Why would you spend millions making a movie and pass up on the opportunity to give it something more than the original version that was basically a cartoon?  One of the biggest disappointments for me was the script or lack of it.  Poor Richard Madden, who played the prince, was the biggest victim of this aspect of the film.  At times I was waiting for him to finish his line, only to then realise he had. Of course in the absence of a cracking script it is very difficult to achieve depth of character and this is where the film really fell down.  It is a testament to the talent and skill of Cate Blanchett that she delivers a superb performance as the malicious and manipulative stepmother.  Lily James is perfect as the wide-eyed innocent overcoming hardship through courage and kindness i.e. being a sap.

Visually the film is a treat, making full use of modern technology to create a fairytale land.  There are one or two excellent scenes, with Cinderella and the pumpkin's transformation being my favourite. The first dance /  ballroom scene is also beautiful and it must be said the dress almost deserved character status in itself, considering it had more life to it than some of the actual characters!

The Dress - Doing Its Thing

However, my most favourite scene of the film and I feel the only point in the film that had any relevance to modern day values, was the deathbed scene of the king.  In response to his father's death the prince doesn't stand there trying to be stoic but curls up on the bed in the foetal position, such is his grief.  This was a redeeming feature of the film for me as I feel should any boy actually watch the film, at least he will pick up the message that as a boy or man it is okay to express your feelings, especially an emotion as powerful as grief, and not keep it bottled up.

Of course, as we all know, the prince goes on to find Cinderella and make her his princess and it was the closing scene of the film that really sucked for me.  We see Cinders in her wedding dress and in all her doe-eyed "courage and kindness" glory as an unseen female narrator comes in to tell us just how Cinderella managed to overcome, by facing her challenges (abuse!) with courage and kindness and also with the help of a little magic.  Huh?

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

It's bad enough to condemn another generation of girls to believing if they are thin enough (yes, I'm afraid Cinders is so thin, particularly in the ballgown, you do suspect her appearance was digitally altered), beautiful enough and sappy enough then they too shall snare their prince and all their life problems will be sorted but to add in the magic nonsense is truly a step too far!  I know, I know - it's a freaking fairytale but the sad truth of the matter is the female characters featured in the original stories were actually more empowered than the one in the modern day version.

On a final note, I asked La-La what she thought of it.  "Sad," was the reply.  Enough said.

I'm Alive!

The Mad Mammy lives!  Cancel the obituary and  call off the remembrance services - I am still breathing.  My recent move was a close call and definitely caused me to lose whatever small amount of sanity I had left but I am still, in fact, alive.

The Mad Mammy Has Been Looking A
Lot Like This Lately

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since 9th January.  But then again, I can't believe it's now 20th March.  The lack of seasons here in Queensland means it is very difficult to gauge the passing of time, especially over a twelve month period.  Add in to the equation that the year here is completely topsy-turvy to a northern Hemispherean (that's a new word - like it?) and you can see why I don't know one end of my seasonal arse from my elbow.

The seasons in Queensland go something like this: sizzling, extremely hot, hot, warm and for about two days of the year, cool.  The vegetation stays pretty much the same and kangaroos don't migrate so there's no other hint that time is moving on.  My Australian friends all seem to have their markers but I'm just flapping about in the very warm wind but hey that's nothing new.

It Gets Kinda Warm Around Here

So here we are in Autumn.  I know, Northern Hemisphereans, it's spring where you are but as I just explained it's all the other way around down here.  The kids are back at  school for the past seven weeks, Easter Eggs are already on the shelves and mentally I'm just gearing up for Christmas.  I could ask what your New Year's resolutions are but you've all probably forgotten them by now.

It's All Topsy-Turvy Down Here

On the good news front, we are ensconced in our new accommodations.  On the bad news front, I'm still surrounded by boxes and I'm not sure when there will be a change in that particular situation. You see here's the thing, being a mammy and doing all the mammy stuff is enough to be doing on any given day and if you're like me, you never get it all done anyway - there's always another piece of crap to pick up off the floor, another thing to put in the washing machine, another thing to take out of the washing machine, another bill to pay, more homework to do, another form to fill out, blah, blah freaking blah. So throw in a house move and it all goes completely astray.  Throw in a house move over Christmas and school holidays and you are looking at a complete disaster!

Then there's the fact that moving house in Australia is a more complicated affair than in most other countries, thereby taking up way more of your precious time and well, you can see why I haven't put a post together in months!

Looking for a place to live in Australia starts where most things do these days, on the internet.  The big website over here is www.realestate.com.au.  Oh I spent hours trawling through its pages back in December and January.  How thrilled the children were when they found me, yet again, desperately scrolling through page after page.  They were even more thrilled at being dragged off to viewings in the heat of a Brisbane summer!  They were  super thrilled the day it was thirty-eight degrees (over a hundred degrees fahrenheit for my American friends) and we had to wait an hour for the real estate agent to show.  Ah yes, the real estate agents, sometimes they showed, sometimes they didn't  - what a fun guessing game that turned out to be over our holidays.

To Lease Or Not To Lease - That Was The Question

Some of them didn't even show for the open houses they themselves had organised!  These open houses are where a house is open for a period of typically ten minutes, maybe fifteen if your lucky, whereby interested renters get to dash around the property and jostle each other out of the way in an effort to try and decide if the property is suitable for them.  If you're lucky, you might even get a chance to ask the agent pertinent questions regarding the property, that's if she or he isn't legging it out the door to the next viewing!

Should you be lucky enough to find a suitable property, well that's when the real fun begins. You need to fill out forms and make an application.  This involves providing references (from previous landlords) and payslips.  For the more popular properties you need to have this with you at the inspection and submit it straight away.  Should your application be successful you will be asked to provide a week's rent as a deposit and to secure the property.  NOTE: You have twenty-four hours to change your mind and back out of renting the property.  However, if you change your mind after the twenty-four hours then the deposit is forfeit.

There Was A Little Bit Of This

I should point out here that rents in Australia are exceptionally high!  So this means you could be forfeiting anything between $500 - $1000.

Anyhoo, let's say you are happy with your decision to take the aforementioned property, based on all of the ten minutes you had available to you.  You then will be required to sign a lease.  This is typically of 12 months duration.  On signing the lease you will be required to pay a rental bond, which is usually four times the weekly rent, plus two weeks rent in advance.  So on a seven hundred dollar a week property you will be expected to pay $4,200 on signing of the lease.  So don't come to Australia without plenty of cash in them there pockets!

Be Prepared To Flash The Cash

Possibly the most important issue to be aware of when renting property in Australia is the terms of your lease.  The most pertinent one being that if you "break lease" you are required to pay the rent on the property until such a time as the landlord has acquired a new tenant.  It is not like in other countries where you give a reasonable amount of notice (usually two months) and then you can move on without any negative comeback - oh no, here if you leave before the end of the lease then you pay until another tenant is found.

The second most important thing to be aware of during this whole process is something called the "entry condition report".

So there you are in your shiny (hopefully!) new abode and the lovely real estate agent hands you over the keys, various remotes and other bits and pieces to do with the house and an entry condition report. This is basically a detailed list pertaining to the house and the condition it is in at the time you sign the lease.  Like me, you might think to yourself, "oh aren't these Aussies a quirky little lot giving me a list of things such as 'picture hooks on wall' or 'crack under window.'"  And, like me, you might be told that this entry condition report isn't all that important, you basically just sign it if you're happy with the house.  WRONG!  After the lease itself, the entry condition report is the singular most important document in relation to the rental of the property as this document will be wielded as a weapon against you when it is time to leave the property - that's when you meet the nasty cousin - the exit condition report!  So basically if the entry condition report and the exit condition report don't match when you are leaving the property then you will be hit with the cost of bringing the property in line with what the entry condition report states it was in when you rented the property.  That is, if there are picture hooks on the wall that aren't mentioned in the entry condition report and you fail to note them, then you will be charged the cost of removing the picture hooks, repair to the wall and painting the wall, on exit.  So, when you rent a property in Australia, you need to see what's noted on the entry condition report and then FORENSICALLY go through the property to see what you need to add.  Starting to see how it all gets a tad time consuming?  Getting a feel for the nitty-gritties?

You May Want To Get This Guy To Do
Your Entry Condition Report

The real fun starts when you are leaving a property and are handed the exit condition report and have to start haggling regarding items listed on this where the agent feels you need to carry out repairs or "return to original state".  If you don't do it or they are not satisfied with the manner in which you carried it out they charge the cost against your rental bond.  And they always seem to be employing the most expensive handymen and painter decorators in  town!  It took me ten days of relentless email ping-pong to get our rental bond returned.  Thankfully I had kept every email in relation to any issues to do with the property over the two and a half years we rented it.

The other painful aspect of leaving a property in Australia is what's referred to as the "Bond Clean". This is where the property has to be left in complete, utter and totally pristine condition, basically like you never lived there.  It is a condition of most rental agreements that you must employ a professional cleaning company to do this - receipt will be required.  In many cases the real estate company will insist you use a company nominated by them.  I know too many people who decided to either do the clean themselves or used a much cheaper company who then found the cost of the clean deducted from their bond because the real estate company "were not satisfied with the standard of the clean."  Bond cleans typically cost anything between $600 - $1000.  Yes, you read that right.

Brett (aka Super-Cleaner!) from Brett's Total Home Care
doing the "Bond Clean"

If you have had a pet at the property you must also pay for the carpets to be cleaned throughout the property and a pest control treatment for the inside and exterior of the property.  Again, you hiring a rug-doctor and doing this yourself is unacceptable, you must employ a professional company to do this.

So, between searching for properties, viewing properties, dealing with exit condition reports, entry condition reports, packing and also organising services such as telecoms and electricity (more expense!) to be transferred and then ACTUALLY MOVING you can see how it all becomes a little overwhelming and time consuming.

Just SOME of the stuff from
La-La's bedroom

Thankfully we are through it now and I have managed to retain a few scraps of sanity.  All I have to do now is catch up on all the things that were put on the back-burner over the past few months and figure out how those boxes are going to unpack themselves.....