Ugh!

I was rearranging the ironing pile yesterday when I came across two perfect little white orbs.

Gecko Eggs

Now I've seen a few strange things in my time in Australia but nothing like this. So, like the curious fool I am, I picked them up! (Well they LOOKED harmless!) At first I thought they were tiny white pebbles but then I was struck by their symmetrical perfection and that's when it occurred to me that they might be "organic"... So, I tried to squish them. Why I did this - I have absolutely no idea! Because the possible ick factor was high - very high! But they didn't give, so I examined them again. I was impressed - they were hardy little things - whatever they were.

La-la came into the room and saw that I was looking at something in my hand.

"Whatchya got there, mother?" she asked.

I showed her what I'd found and, her being the National Geographic / Discovery Channel eco warrior, animal loving princess that she is, I was pretty sure she'd know. She scrunched up her face.

"Hmmmm... eggs," she said, "definitely some type of egg but what type of egg - that is the question."

I looked at her, not quite sure now about holding something in my hands that had the distinct possibility of a creature hatching out of it!

"Well what do you think?" I asked, just a hint of panic in my voice now.

"Could be cockroach," she replied.

She said something else too but I didn't hear it. I'd heard the word "cockroach" and that was it! With my hand stretched out in front of me as far as it would possibly go - without actually dislocating my shoulder - I ran down the hallway. I may even have been screeching and ughing - yes that's now officially a word! I reached the back door and wrenched it open. With one final, "Ugh!" I flung those babies as far as they would possibly go!

Ugh!

I turned around to find a disgusted animal lover looking at me with a shocked look on her face.

"Or gecko eggs," she said, "they just might have been gecko eggs! But I don't suppose we'll ever find out now."

I narrowed my eyes to slits.

"You said the cockroach word," I informed her, "you know what even just the mention of those vile things does to me!"

"Humph! She announced, "I'm going to get the ipad now and find out exactly what poor creatures you have thrown into the wind!"

By the time I had sufficiently recovered and joined the rest of my family upstairs, the general conclusion was that they must have been spider eggs - like giant spider eggs! Visions of waking up during the night to a super-sized Huntsman on my face looking for revenge for her babies sent a shiver down my spine. I was secretly planning on moving out when Big Daddy whispered in my ear, "we're only having you on, you're okay, they're not giant spider eggs."

One of The "Locals"! The "Giant" Huntsman Spider
Ugh!

It's not in Big Daddy's nature to admit to a prank so now I was even more concerned!

A snake! I thought to myself, that bastard knows they're snake eggs!

I called La-la over.

"Is there a chance those eggs were snake eggs?"

She ponders my question.

"There's a possibility..."

"Sweet Jesus!!" I exclaim. I now had visions of a mama snake sinking her fangs into me in the middle of the night (cuz everything horrid happens in the middle of the night!) in retribution for throwing her babies away. At this stage I was moving out and taking MY babies with me.

"But more than likely gecko eggs," La-la reassured me.

I located the ipad and stabbed the words, "gecko eggs" into the google search engine.

I sighed with relief when images of the perfect little orbs I'd held in my hands appeared on the screen. A revenge seeking gecko, I could deal with.

Only thing is, I betchya any money it's supposed to be lucky to find gecko eggs and I've probably gone and thrown it away! Ah well at least I can stop worrying about being poisoned to death by a snake or giant spider in my bed - if I can avoid that, then I'll count myself lucky enough!

I'm Alive!

The Mad Mammy lives!  Cancel the obituary and  call off the remembrance services - I am still breathing.  My recent move was a close call and definitely caused me to lose whatever small amount of sanity I had left but I am still, in fact, alive.

The Mad Mammy Has Been Looking A
Lot Like This Lately

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since 9th January.  But then again, I can't believe it's now 20th March.  The lack of seasons here in Queensland means it is very difficult to gauge the passing of time, especially over a twelve month period.  Add in to the equation that the year here is completely topsy-turvy to a northern Hemispherean (that's a new word - like it?) and you can see why I don't know one end of my seasonal arse from my elbow.

The seasons in Queensland go something like this: sizzling, extremely hot, hot, warm and for about two days of the year, cool.  The vegetation stays pretty much the same and kangaroos don't migrate so there's no other hint that time is moving on.  My Australian friends all seem to have their markers but I'm just flapping about in the very warm wind but hey that's nothing new.

It Gets Kinda Warm Around Here

So here we are in Autumn.  I know, Northern Hemisphereans, it's spring where you are but as I just explained it's all the other way around down here.  The kids are back at  school for the past seven weeks, Easter Eggs are already on the shelves and mentally I'm just gearing up for Christmas.  I could ask what your New Year's resolutions are but you've all probably forgotten them by now.

It's All Topsy-Turvy Down Here

On the good news front, we are ensconced in our new accommodations.  On the bad news front, I'm still surrounded by boxes and I'm not sure when there will be a change in that particular situation. You see here's the thing, being a mammy and doing all the mammy stuff is enough to be doing on any given day and if you're like me, you never get it all done anyway - there's always another piece of crap to pick up off the floor, another thing to put in the washing machine, another thing to take out of the washing machine, another bill to pay, more homework to do, another form to fill out, blah, blah freaking blah. So throw in a house move and it all goes completely astray.  Throw in a house move over Christmas and school holidays and you are looking at a complete disaster!

Then there's the fact that moving house in Australia is a more complicated affair than in most other countries, thereby taking up way more of your precious time and well, you can see why I haven't put a post together in months!

Looking for a place to live in Australia starts where most things do these days, on the internet.  The big website over here is www.realestate.com.au.  Oh I spent hours trawling through its pages back in December and January.  How thrilled the children were when they found me, yet again, desperately scrolling through page after page.  They were even more thrilled at being dragged off to viewings in the heat of a Brisbane summer!  They were  super thrilled the day it was thirty-eight degrees (over a hundred degrees fahrenheit for my American friends) and we had to wait an hour for the real estate agent to show.  Ah yes, the real estate agents, sometimes they showed, sometimes they didn't  - what a fun guessing game that turned out to be over our holidays.

To Lease Or Not To Lease - That Was The Question

Some of them didn't even show for the open houses they themselves had organised!  These open houses are where a house is open for a period of typically ten minutes, maybe fifteen if your lucky, whereby interested renters get to dash around the property and jostle each other out of the way in an effort to try and decide if the property is suitable for them.  If you're lucky, you might even get a chance to ask the agent pertinent questions regarding the property, that's if she or he isn't legging it out the door to the next viewing!

Should you be lucky enough to find a suitable property, well that's when the real fun begins. You need to fill out forms and make an application.  This involves providing references (from previous landlords) and payslips.  For the more popular properties you need to have this with you at the inspection and submit it straight away.  Should your application be successful you will be asked to provide a week's rent as a deposit and to secure the property.  NOTE: You have twenty-four hours to change your mind and back out of renting the property.  However, if you change your mind after the twenty-four hours then the deposit is forfeit.

There Was A Little Bit Of This

I should point out here that rents in Australia are exceptionally high!  So this means you could be forfeiting anything between $500 - $1000.

Anyhoo, let's say you are happy with your decision to take the aforementioned property, based on all of the ten minutes you had available to you.  You then will be required to sign a lease.  This is typically of 12 months duration.  On signing the lease you will be required to pay a rental bond, which is usually four times the weekly rent, plus two weeks rent in advance.  So on a seven hundred dollar a week property you will be expected to pay $4,200 on signing of the lease.  So don't come to Australia without plenty of cash in them there pockets!

Be Prepared To Flash The Cash

Possibly the most important issue to be aware of when renting property in Australia is the terms of your lease.  The most pertinent one being that if you "break lease" you are required to pay the rent on the property until such a time as the landlord has acquired a new tenant.  It is not like in other countries where you give a reasonable amount of notice (usually two months) and then you can move on without any negative comeback - oh no, here if you leave before the end of the lease then you pay until another tenant is found.

The second most important thing to be aware of during this whole process is something called the "entry condition report".

So there you are in your shiny (hopefully!) new abode and the lovely real estate agent hands you over the keys, various remotes and other bits and pieces to do with the house and an entry condition report. This is basically a detailed list pertaining to the house and the condition it is in at the time you sign the lease.  Like me, you might think to yourself, "oh aren't these Aussies a quirky little lot giving me a list of things such as 'picture hooks on wall' or 'crack under window.'"  And, like me, you might be told that this entry condition report isn't all that important, you basically just sign it if you're happy with the house.  WRONG!  After the lease itself, the entry condition report is the singular most important document in relation to the rental of the property as this document will be wielded as a weapon against you when it is time to leave the property - that's when you meet the nasty cousin - the exit condition report!  So basically if the entry condition report and the exit condition report don't match when you are leaving the property then you will be hit with the cost of bringing the property in line with what the entry condition report states it was in when you rented the property.  That is, if there are picture hooks on the wall that aren't mentioned in the entry condition report and you fail to note them, then you will be charged the cost of removing the picture hooks, repair to the wall and painting the wall, on exit.  So, when you rent a property in Australia, you need to see what's noted on the entry condition report and then FORENSICALLY go through the property to see what you need to add.  Starting to see how it all gets a tad time consuming?  Getting a feel for the nitty-gritties?

You May Want To Get This Guy To Do
Your Entry Condition Report

The real fun starts when you are leaving a property and are handed the exit condition report and have to start haggling regarding items listed on this where the agent feels you need to carry out repairs or "return to original state".  If you don't do it or they are not satisfied with the manner in which you carried it out they charge the cost against your rental bond.  And they always seem to be employing the most expensive handymen and painter decorators in  town!  It took me ten days of relentless email ping-pong to get our rental bond returned.  Thankfully I had kept every email in relation to any issues to do with the property over the two and a half years we rented it.

The other painful aspect of leaving a property in Australia is what's referred to as the "Bond Clean". This is where the property has to be left in complete, utter and totally pristine condition, basically like you never lived there.  It is a condition of most rental agreements that you must employ a professional cleaning company to do this - receipt will be required.  In many cases the real estate company will insist you use a company nominated by them.  I know too many people who decided to either do the clean themselves or used a much cheaper company who then found the cost of the clean deducted from their bond because the real estate company "were not satisfied with the standard of the clean."  Bond cleans typically cost anything between $600 - $1000.  Yes, you read that right.

Brett (aka Super-Cleaner!) from Brett's Total Home Care
doing the "Bond Clean"

If you have had a pet at the property you must also pay for the carpets to be cleaned throughout the property and a pest control treatment for the inside and exterior of the property.  Again, you hiring a rug-doctor and doing this yourself is unacceptable, you must employ a professional company to do this.

So, between searching for properties, viewing properties, dealing with exit condition reports, entry condition reports, packing and also organising services such as telecoms and electricity (more expense!) to be transferred and then ACTUALLY MOVING you can see how it all becomes a little overwhelming and time consuming.

Just SOME of the stuff from
La-La's bedroom

Thankfully we are through it now and I have managed to retain a few scraps of sanity.  All I have to do now is catch up on all the things that were put on the back-burner over the past few months and figure out how those boxes are going to unpack themselves.....