Thursday, 4 August 2016

Batman, Sex And A Little Dinner Conversation

It was just myself and the kids the other night sitting down to dinner and having a chat about how their day went when La-la dropped the bomb on me! It went like this...

La-la: "I'm not really sure what sex is but I've a funny feeing there's more to this business than I think there is."

The Dude: "Oh don't worry - I know all about it! Just ask me what you need to know and I'll tell you."

La-la shoots him a doubtful look and then looks at me. (I was sooooo hoping she wouldn't look at me. I was quite happy for the Dude to handle this one!)

La-la: "Mum, I'm not sure if I really want to know but what the hell is sex and have you done it with Daddy?"

The Dude swings his head around in my direction, his eyes huge with curiosity as he pops a piece of sausage into his mouth and proceeds to chew it slowly just as I suspect he is chewing over La-la's question in his mind, especially the last part.

I feel like the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights.

Image of rabbit looking shocked holding a carrot
Me Be Like The Rabbit!

" is like... erm... when you... erm are naked in bed with someone..." I garble.

This is where the Dude bursts into the conversation with his specialist knowledge. He simply can't hold back from contributing any longer!

"Yes!" he announces, "it always happens at night!"

La-la scowls at him.

"I think you might be wrong there Buddy," she informs him, "I'm telling you, there's more to it than what we know and I'm not even sure I wanna know!"

"How is everybody's dinner?" I ask, "carrots okay for you both?"

It's like I haven't even spoken.

"I think boys' willies have something to do with it," La-la announces.

"Nooooo," the Dude informs her, "how the hell would they come into it!"

"I don't know," admits La-la, "but a boy at school said to me today that if I wanted to have sex with his friend then all I had to do was poke his willy!"

She then stopped eating such was her disgust at the prospect.

The Dude looked at me, horrified!

I'm sitting there thinking right about now would be a good time for something to go on fire in the kitchen.

Photo of pan on fire in kitchen
Something Like This Would Have Been Good!

The Dude speaks.

"Mum, what do you think of that?" he asks.

"What?" I ask in return, desperately playing for time.

"The willy thing!" he blurts at me, "the willy thing and sex! Willies have nothing to do with sex, do they?"

"Erm... technically they do..." I answer and watch as La-la's face scrunches in disgust.

The Dude's face is a study in surprise.

"Oh," he announces, "tell me more."

Tell him more! Is he kidding me! I've already had quite enough of this surprise conversation! I decide to turn the tables and try and get this discussion to head towards the exit.

"Never mind me telling you more," I say, "why don't you tell me where you got all your info on sex."

He pops another piece of sausage into his mouth and I could never have guessed what he came out with next.


I positively choke on my chicken!

"Batman!" I declare, "Batman told you all you know about sex?"

He looks at me as if I've lost my mind and shouldn't it have been obvious to me that Batman would have been his source.

"Yeah," he says, his voice dripping with, "of course!"

Dark Image of Batman
Batman - The Superhero Who
Gets Most Of The Action -

I ask him to tell me more.

"Batman is always having sex, especially in the Dark Knight!" he announces, somewhat emphatically.

I frantically run scenes from the movie through my head and breathe a bit more easily when I realise he is referring to the scene where sex is suggested not actually depicted! But it's obvious both characters are naked. The Dude has obviously drawn his own conclusions.

At this point I'm fighting an uncontrollable urge to giggle. La-la spots my smirk.

"What's so funny?" she asks, "this is a disgusting conversation and I'm kinda sorry I brought it up. Ugh! I can't believe I'm talking about boys' willies and eating my dinner at the same time. And mum, please tell me that sex is for adults only. I don't know why that guy said that to me today."

This wipes the smirk off my face. I don't know why he said it either but if I catch a hold of him he won't be saying anything like it to her again.

I look at my beautiful daughter who is as innocent as a ten year old girl should be. I look at her and I'm sad we live in a world where she is exposed to such a comment from a boy who is the same age as her. But this is the world we live in, a world where childhood is under constant assault and innocence is increasingly under threat.

Photo of young girl making giant bubbles in the garden
My Beautiful Girl - As Innocent & Carefree
As A Ten Year Old Should Be 

I look at her and it's clear this comment has troubled her. I don't want her to be bothered by it for another second. I smile.

"Don't worry about it," I reassure her, "sex is for adults only and you don't have to worry about it for a long time to come."

She's visibly relieved and resumes eating her dinner. That is until the Dude adds his tuppence worth.

"Yes," he announces, "and when you're eighteen you can have lots and lots of sex, just like Batman!"

With that I set fire to the kitchen! Not really but I sure put a fire under my kids to finish their dinner so I could get them to bed. I was done with talking!

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