Do You Ever Wonder?

Do you ever wonder just by saying something are you actually sending a big fat challenge out to the Universe or God or who / whatever runs this whole show??? You know the old adage - humans make plans and God laughs. Well, I'm thinking there's something else at work when certain humans (like me!) make a big statement or dare to express happiness - it seems to convert into a sort of inter-galactic alert and some celestial committee decides these particular humans seem to be far too content with their lot - and it's time to screw with them!

The Universe, God, Whatever! There Seems To Be Something
Out There!

Honestly, it has been a delight to see the Dude so happy in his new school here in Canada. School and the Dude are not a natural fit and it has been a battle to get him to go ever since he started way back in Kindergarten.

Kindergarten Dude - Looking Decidedly Unsure!

I was fully expecting a complete nightmare sending him to a new school in a new country and at the worst possible time of year - final term. However, he has taken to the Canadian education system like a duck to water! And the day before yesterday I happily shared my delight at this fact with anyone who would listen! It would seem this was a mistake - I should have said nothing!

Yesterday came and it was a disaster! In his efforts to make friends at his new school he has played with both boys and girls and in the past few days has had great fun playing with two girls. So yesterday he was teased by some other girls and boys for playing with just these two girls.

It was probably harmless teasing along the lines of, "you've got a crush...blah, blah, blah" but the Dude takes all these things very much to heart and now he doesn't want to go to school! And when my stubborn, single-minded boy doesn't want to do something then he REALLY doesn't want to do it!

In the past twenty-four hours we have run the gamut of emotions from anger, to sadness, to tears, and only a mixture of threats and bribes got him out the door this morning.

I hope he has a better day today, maybe even a good one but I'll tell you something right now - you won't hear it from me if he does!

From Now On  - This Be Me!

Loss

Babies, we spend so much of our lives trying to avoid having them, in the firm belief that one day we can just throw away our birth control and then magically, by the power of our will alone, we will get pregnant.  In this day and age when we control so much of our lives with the push of a button or tap of a keyboard, we expect something as basic as our fertility to be completely under our control.  It comes as quite a shock to most modern women when this fails to be the case. This is often the first clue that the path to parenthood isn't always an easy one.

Birth Control Pills

I realised from an early age that the reproductive organs weren't always co-operative.  I hit puberty and I hit a wall of pain.  Severe endometriosis sentenced me to days of monthly agony and wreaked havoc upon my body - both physically and emotionally.  By my late twenties I was diagnosed with fibroids and ovarian cysts were a regular feature of my thirties.  I was told my chances of ever getting pregnant were slim but that just sounded like a challenge to me.

Endometriosis

And it was one I pulled off!  "Ha! Take that you medical experts," I secretly congratulated myself as I retched and swayed through the first months of pregnancy.
However, my self-congratulation was short-lived.  My first pregnancy ended on a miserable night in January as my body cramped and bled and my heart broke.  The loss of my baby wasn't something I ever expected.  I'd defied all the odds and got pregnant and I believed my baby was meant to be.  It was like a Hollywood script - heroine defeats the odds and goes on to give birth to bouncing baby, this is her reward for all she's been through - cue happy ending.  But real life isn't like that, as I was all too painfully aware in the months following the loss of my first baby.

Fifteen months later I was pregnant again, older and wiser this time and nervous but as the weeks and months passed my nerves eased and I started to believe I was going to have this baby, that this baby was meant to be.  At twenty-three weeks I learned otherwise as I cradled the lifeless body of my little girl in my arms.  This loss completely obliterated me.  I disintegrated on many levels and life became a "going through the motions" exercise.

Eventually, I pulled myself together and realised children were most probably not going to be a feature of my life.  How to face this?  How to make peace with it?  This realisation was like a huge boulder before me made of pure granite, one I couldn't get round, go through or climb over.  I knew I needed to break it down piece by piece and this was going to take time.  So my response was to wrap up my life as it was and look for a new one.  Myself and Big D literally sold up, bought a camper van and hit the road.  We didn't know where we were going or what we would do but we knew we needed to go, to try and put some distance between us and heartache and envision a future that didn't involve children.

And we were doing really well and having a wonderful time living in the camper van on the west coast of Portugal when I discovered I was pregnant again. Excitement and joy filled our hearts along with terror.

The decision to return back to Ireland was an easy one.  I knew the doctor I wanted and I knew, if things went wrong, I wanted to be in the care of the incredible people who had carried me through the worst days of my life with a kindness and compassion that I will be forever grateful for.

In December 2005 I got the most amazing Christmas present of all, my beautiful baby girl.

Two and a half years later, after a difficult pregnancy, four months of hospitalisation and much drama my son was born.  He was three months premature and it was touch and go but he made it.

La-la Meets The Dude For The First Time

It hadn't been my intention to write about this today but I was moved by Mark Zuckerberg's admission about the three babies himself and his wife, Priscilla, have lost on their journey to try and become parents.

Miscarriage is so common and yet is often surrounded by silence.  It's a painful subject but it's one that needs a voice.  I don't mention my experience often and even writing about it today has seen the tears flowing but I want to add my voice to the discussion.

All too often, people don't know how to react to the person who has suffered a miscarriage and some don't even consider it to be that much of a big deal.  Well let me give you an insider's view.

The loss of a baby is the loss of the future.  It is the loss of your dreams and very often the loss of hope.  And when  a person loses hope, which is very much the case after recurrent miscarriage, then they have lost everything.  I think Priscilla and Mark are exceptionally brave trying again after three losses.  I don't know if I would have been able to.

If you know someone who has lost a baby then know this:  no matter how brave a face they put on things, their heart is broken and they are hurting in  a way they have never known before.  This is a time for kindness and gentle compassion.  Don't be afraid to express your sympathy, as you would do for any other person who has suffered a loss but please do not belittle their grief.  Do NOT say things like:
"Oh well you were only a few weeks along."
"It's nature's way of dealing with babies who would have been born severely disabled."
"It was probably for the best."

And absolutely DO NOT say the dreaded:
"Oh you can go again."
or
"You're young, you have plenty of time to have another one."

You might mean well but this is the worst possible thing you can say.  They have just lost the baby that meant the world to them.  They have no reasons why and you are telling them they can just go on and have another one! This is the most ludicrous comment of all.  The person who has just lost their baby can't understand why you would think they would be able to hold onto another baby more than the one they just lost.

Sympathise.  Embrace and hug. Be kind.  Tell the person you are there for them if they need you. Listen.  Check in with them.  Do something nice for them.  Know that the date of the loss is a difficult time, as is Christmas.  Just acknowledge their pain and be sensitive to it.

I count myself incredibly lucky to have my two beautiful children.  When I took my first step towards motherhood, I had no idea of the agony that lay ahead.  We take what seems to be our right to have children so much for granted and it is only when we are faced with loss and infertility we realise becoming a parent is a gift that is not bestowed upon everyone.  If you know someone struggling with this in their life right now then please be kind and sensitive to them because it is something they never thought they would have to face.

I sincerely wish Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg all the best in the months ahead and to any of you who are reading this who are also expecting a baby after a previous loss.  I hope happier times are just around the corner.

Mark Zuckerberg & Priscilla Chan
Announce Their Happy News

Thinking or Over-thinking - That Is The Question

Okay, so I'm having one of those situations where I might possibly be  accused of overthinking something.

"Noooooo" I hear you cry, "it's not possible!"

Well I'll have you know, it's something I've been charged with in the past and it has been known to happen from time to time but just like a smoker in the face of an ashtray full of cigarette butts, I am aware of this naughty little habit of mine and have done a lot to kick it in recent years.  However, I am prone to the odd lapse but this morning I'm not sure if the subject of my thoughts is a case of overthinking or if it's something I really need to think about.....

The subject is my desk - the centrepiece of my writing cave, the hallowed piece of furniture upon which I create my literary masterpieces (well blog posts anyway).  And the item I can't actually see due to the incredible amount of crap on it.  Correction, the piles of crap on it!

The Desk

So, I'm sitting here looking at it (actually I've been doing this for a few weeks now - don't worry I've taken toilet breaks...) and I'm wondering if the state of my desk reflects the state of my mind.  I'm wondering when (if?) I tidy it, will it make a massive difference to my productivity?  Will my mind suddenly clear and will magically worded, fascinating blog posts fall like glorious rainbows onto the page - all bright, shiny, colourful and perfect?  Or will it make damn all difference?

I know people who take great pride in their desks and who believe a pristine desk is the sign of a clear mind and being super-organised and efficient.  Then there is the other school of thought, the absent-minded professor type, whose desk seems to be in a constant state of disarray but the professor knows where everything is down to every word on every single page.

My desk takes things to a whole other level.  I have the mammy stuff, the writing stuff, the financial stuff, the insurance stuff, the health stuff, the school stuff and a whole load of other miscellaneous stuff sitting in various piles. Then, of course, there are the kids' contributions - Captain America is peeping out at me from under the spare screen (yes, a spare screen!) and a self-portrait of La-la dancing in the rain is sitting atop a tupperware container which also has a pile of Monster High stickers on it (note to self: check out what's in the tupperware container).

Dancing In The Rain

Now, I can hear you all say, "would you just ever clean that shit up."  Actually, I can hear some of you screaming it.  However, this is my dilemma: I have a whole heap of other shit I need to do and there are only so many hours in the day.  I have this idea in my head that at some point in the not so distant future I'm going to have a day where I magically have time on my hands, all the time I need to take on this particular job.  You see, it's not just a case of throwing all this crap in the bin. Experience has taught me that the one bank statement you throw away, the electricity bill you don't have, the insurance document you can't find - THESE ARE THE VERY THINGS THAT WILL COME BACK AND BITE YOU IN YOUR UNTIDY, DISORGANISED ARSE!

So, I am a fanatical filer.  Yes, I file every blasted thing - even the kiddies contributory artwork.  You may point your eyebrows skyward at the last statement and whisper, "saddo" but the one piece of artwork I throw in the bin is the exact same piece of artwork the Dude will be looking for just as soon as the binman has driven off - it's happened people.  Now the only thing with filing is that you have to actually have files.  You may remember a few months ago we moved?  Well, since then my files have been somewhat in disarray.  So, in order for me to clear the desk, I first have to sort out my files.  Are you starting to see where this is going?  Yup, the mere clearing of the desk is turning into a three day job!  And I don't see a point in the near future where I am going to have three whole days to devote to it.

And this is where the thinking starts (or overthinking as some might accuse....)  Every lifestyle magazine and blog exhorts the value of de-cluttering, whether it be your home or your entire life. The benefits, it would seem, are wide-ranging and many.  I have yet to see an article on the benefits of clutter.  Of course the sub-text of all these articles is that clutter is deadly and will eventually kill you. One of the best selling books on amazon is called The Life-changing Magic of Tidying in which the author expounds upon the Japanese Konmari method of de-cluttering or in other words "sorting your shit out."

The Konmari method, we are told,  " will not just transform your space. Once you have your house in order you will find that your whole life will change."  Your whole life!
It goes on to claim, "you can feel more confident, you can become more successful, and you can have the energy and motivation to create the life you want."

The "Magic" Book!

Now if all that isn't a tempting proposition then I don't know what is.  And I think to myself, "well I could make a start with my desk....."  And then I read, "the key to successful tidying is to tackle your home in the correct order, to keep only the things you really love and to do it all at once – and quickly."  Uh-oh.  Quickly?  I'm estimating three days just to sort my files and clear my desk.  And what about all the kids' crap, the stuff they can't bear to part with? I'm hitting road-blocks and I haven't even started!

And then I think (there's that word again....) back over my life and about the different abodes I've lived in and if their relative states of tidiness or lack of had any relevance to my life at the time and I can't spot any connections.  I can't definitively say when I was living in a one bedroom cottage in the West of Ireland with stuff falling out of wardrobes and piled to the rafters that my life was any worse than when I lived in a pristine apartment in Hong Kong.  I remember going on de-cluttering binges in the cottage (God bless my thirty year old, child free self) and waiting for the life-changing transformation to happen.  It didn't.  

So now I'm thinking (yup more of it....) perhaps I just didn't do it right, maybe I did it in the wrong order or maybe I wasn't quick enough.  So I'm thinking of buying the book and then I get to thinking how long is it going to take me to read it and then how long is it going to take me to put what I've read into action?  And what about all the other shit I have to do on a daily basis - who is going to do that stuff whilst I'm all ninja housewife?  Is there a book out there I can read to help me catch up with that after I've turned my living quarters into a shrine to Japanese minimalism?

And then I get to thinking (I just can't stop!) would it all be worth it anyway?  The house is tidied and cleaned from top to bottom every Friday (the only area not touched is my desk) and by Saturday afternoon it's usually a wreck again.   

I Think This Guy Knows How I Feel

Some of the other stuff I do on a daily basis, I'm hoping really does have the power to transform my life but will that happen sooner if I just tidy up?  There's a whole bunch of people out there who thoroughly believe so.  Do I?

I don't know.  I suppose I'll just have to think about it.

Life - It's a Funny Old Game

Over the years my Dad has regaled us all with stories of when he was a young boy growing up in Ireland.  He was born and reared on Achill Island in Mayo, one of the most beautiful places on this planet but a harsh place to grow up in the Ireland of the 1950s.  His stories vary from fishing expeditions, shooting rabbits and chasing sheep to days and nights spent out on the mountains caring for cattle.  There is, however, one common feature to all of his stories - they all have the same ending that goes like this: "and we did all that and no shoes on our feet."  It's become quite a catchphrase in our family.  Of course, we can have a laugh and a giggle about it safe in the life that my parents provided for us where we didn't have  to contemplate a life without shoes.  However, as much as I might smile to myself when I recall some of my Dad's stories, I'm still very grateful and happy that I never had to go barefoot.  It's with some irony then that I watch my children happily wandering the local streets and parks in Brisbane with no shoes on their feet!  By choice!

Slievemore on Achill Island

Now, Australia is home to the flip-flop or thong as it is known over here.  So it's not as if my children have to contort themselves into boots or spend precious minutes lacing up shoes.  Oh no, all they have to do is slide their toes between a piece of rubber or plastic and they're off.

Aussie Thongs

But why bother doing that when you can just go barefoot eh?  And it's not just my kids, it's all of them!  I don't mind my kids running around barefoot at the park but I usually put my foot (with some form of footwear on it!) down when it comes to walking along the streets with no shoes on. However, on Friday La-la insisted her feet were cooking inside her sandals and begged to be allowed to walk home from school barefoot.  It had been a long week and admittedly it was boiling so, figuring this wasn't a battle I needed to have as I dreamed of reaching the shelter of the air-con,  I acquiesced. And so it came to pass that the daughter of the man who wandered through his childhood with no shoes on his feet, came to watch her daughter walk along the road home with no shoes on hers.  Life - it's a funny old game.

La-la - Barefoot & Blissful